- Date and Venue
- Sunday October 5th 2008 @ Gaelic Club, Surry Hills, Sydney
- Electric Moon gig, part of Under the Blue Moon Festival
- Tycho Brahe
- Diary of Dreams
- Destroid vs. Haujobb
- Voices of Masada
- Vertigo Nation
The F 5000 Booty Juice Tour Report
Better late than never, Sydney here we come!
A band goal for a few years, Tycho proves that even with several months notice, the best laid plans of mice and men often go astray.
Thursday 2 October -Phil Oakey's birthday.
Ken packed most of the gear earlier then he did for Melbourne, so he wouldn't freak out. So he then freaked out about the weight instead...thanks to the new (not-so band friendly) excess baggage rules for both Virgin Blue and Qantas. It was a time of tape measures and domestic scales.
A lesson learned from Melbourne, we arranged to turn up at least 1 1/2 hours before our flight. Andy got there 2 1/2 hours early, so he could sit his gear in someone else's dry muesli?? When everyone got there, fragile stickers were placed on everything including Steve's pregnant wife's belly.
With only 2 trolleys worth of gear, we only had 107kg instead of the previous 5 trolleys and 150 kg for Melbourne, thanks mostly to the introduction of a laptop...which would make a name for itself later!!!!!!! Fortunately, the friendly Virgin check in staff, took pity on us and turned a blind eye to our excess baggage (we were 15 kg over our allowance)!
Our would-be terrorist this time would be Steve, he escaped the explosives test "for the first time in years", but Ken & George weren't so lucky. Steve's little mixing desk had to be pulled out of his bag for special examination. The Simmons pads also got a double take from the security guy...maybe they were hexagonal weapons of mass destruction?
Ken was smart enough to learn from the previous Melbourne tour, specifically that wearing khaki army pants, dog tags, docs and refusing to let your brief case (filled with electronics) be screened is a sure fire way to get an internal examination.
Lucky this time his attire was a little less confrontational.
George’s carry-on backpack had Thunderbirds on it. Whilst that probably didn’t categorise her as a security threat, it probably put her in the weirdo category (not that there's anything wrong with that).
During the flight Steve preferred to sit away from the rest of us and sip his "Chardy". Ken got sprung making a joke about "booty juice", holding a plastic cup up to the stewardess's butt! She then warned us not to scare people when we popped open our pressurised Twisties packets. Whenever, we hit turbulence Ken delighted in saying, "there goes the keytar", "there goes the Simmons brain".
At the Sydney airport, the 2 luggage trolleys became a problem, as none of the ramps on the kerbs lined up IE we couldn't cross straight across the road to the rental cars, we had to walk down the road into oncoming traffic instead???
At Hertz, we met "Ting Tong" who "loved” our Kluger, and who said not to worry about scratches or anything as, "You have Full Cover" - a very dangerous comment to make to a band!! (Who buys a car called a Kluger, anyway?)
Steve played navigator from the airport and said F**K a lot, probably not helped by the fact that Hertz only gives you a street directory at the driveway exit gate?? Andy was amazed that Human League's Mirror Man was playing on Sydney radio...he didn't notice Ken's mp3 player attached to an FM transmitter!!
In the hotel car park, Steve dropped what appeared to be about 200 tampons out of his bag...however, these turned out to be earplugs (so he says). To make a grand entrance to the hotel, Ken decided that he should ride on the luggage trolley while the others pushed.
After dumping the gear, (and Steve), we headed to West Ryde to borrow a keyboard. The drive saw Ken and George squabbling over directions, Ken finding out he did have a sense of direction (at least in Sydney) and that there is a bridge with a strange lane with barricades on either side, which left the Kluger with about 3 inches clearance each side. "Oh Shit!" was said many times as we drove across with our eyes shut, but hey we had "Full Cover"!!
On the way, we also discovered that Sydney has a shop called “The Stool Shop”??
On Steve's instructions we collected a carton of beer, then forgot to ring him to say when we were heading back – Oops. Then we were so hungry, that when we got pizza 3 blocks from the hotel, we ran all the way back.
Next Andy went to grab a beer from the fridge and in his excitement opened the door too quickly, so that a beer bottle flew out of the fridge and smashed on the floor- Rock and Roll! Ken and George ate pizza while Andy cleaned up the kitchen floor[*]. Steve finally returned, reminding us that we were supposed to ring him when we got back. Then being the party animals we are...we crashed early.
[*] Important clarifying note from Andy: The reason the beer “flew” out the door is because Ken loaded the beers into a door which had “no railings fitted” to hold them there.
Andy and Steve were up early. George awoke to find Andy laughing at the 30 second sample of the Adult movie channel??
- Andy said as his defense:
- “It was either that or Sunrise”.
- “Well, we’d better not be paying for that on the bill”.
We had breakfast on Oxford Street, discovering some very interesting local magazines [photo of cover - not safe for work!] - “Look, this one has an interview with Holly Johnson!”, exclaimed Ken, trying to flick past the rather graphic full page ads. Near the "Lick Her" Bottle shop we were amazed to pass a huge queue outside a Boys only club- at 9.30am on a Sunday morning??
Andy was amazed to see so many pairs of tiny, shiny shorts that early in the morning particularly since it was very cold. Those Sydney kids sure know how to party.
We went to the Sydney Opera House. Steve was viciously criticising the group for wanting to get a few photos and souvenirs.
He made it very clear that it was “NOT VERY ROCK AND ROLL”.
- “Hurry up you #$#%^$ers, what the $@#@%@^ are you doing?”
- “I’m buying some tea towels, spoons and rubber things in the shape of the opera house”.
- “For @#$@’s sake, that’s so not Rock and Roll George. It’s pathetic. Can you hurry up, I’m dying for a nice glass of Chardonnay overlooking the harbour.”
In Steve’s defence, he did have two glasses and did drink them very aggressively, gripping each glass with a fist.
The train trip back was interesting, when we went to the wrong platform as the train was pulling in.
Getting from “wrong” platform to “right” platform was actually a dash down two flights of stairs, across the foyer, then back up two flights of stairs. If we were going to get that train, we needed to make the decision to run….NOW!!!!. ..and we did. We ran like a bunch of school girls (maybe a little faster). In spite of Andy and George trying to run up a down escalator, we made the train but the other train passengers thought we were funny, if not strange.
After walking up many hills, meeting the local "winos", we got back to the hotel. Running out of time, we had to skip showers and go straight to the sound check at the Gaelic club...and no sound check as usual?
We arrived 20 minutes early, only to watch the 3 overseas acts stuff around for over 2 hours, but we ate their Subway and drank the rider while we waited- as you do. The promoter managed to lose the guest list, when he had only to take it the 20 feet to the door??? The 3rd O/S band were still sound checking when the doors opened, so we and the other Australian acts had our sets shortened.
After a hurried 5 minute setup and line check (while the first band was still loading off??), Ken's bass guitar died in the 2nd song, so he stopped the set. Steve thought it was because he had stuffed up the intro. After 2 minutes of awkward silence broken by Ken yelling, "Guitar lead anyone, anyone??" (apparently no one had a spare...sure) we got going again, only to be told by "Mr Quiffhead" to shorten our set again. Ken's response was to announce to the crowd, “That is F**ked!", and "Not Happy Jan", he then haggled for an extra song, which was granted.
After our then intense, yet enthusiastic 1/2 set, we had a strange load off backstage onto a laneway... we had to move the Simmons kick drum to prevent a car from running over it.
Ken was still so angry from the shortened set that smoke was literally coming off his head!
He then got lost in the Sydney one way streets, trying to drive the Kluger from the front of the venue around to the back. Fortunately, two Aboriginal transvestites gave him directions. [Who said Sydney people weren't friendly? -h]
After dumping the gear, downing some drinks, jumping in a cab, we returned to the Gaelic club.
There we continued to drink anyone else's rider, ate the supplied food (Chris from Ikon told us to make sure we ate $800 worth - to get our money's worth for the trip from Brisbane) and hung out on the “bands only” mezzanine level.
Back in Band room:
Ken kept magically making stubbies appear from his pockets, at which time Steve would miraculously appear???
Rob from Voices of Masada, told tales of the dog poo palace, the dangers of Manchester and Macclesfield in the UK and told Ken he was staying in the right place in Paris in December - “it's where all the brothels are”???!!! Sam from Empty Art told us our set “was the finest half set he'd ever seen!”
Furthermore, Ken kept trying out his obscure German phrases on Diary of Dreams, such as “Ich habe ein kaninchen”, (loosely translated as “I have a rabbit”), amongst other party favourites. The game was up when they replied in German - WTF???
During the program, we witnessed a band disappear into the mist, as it were, when the smoke machine apparently malfunctioned.
Then one act came on, with 2 members apparently doing nothing except dancing behind laptops and intensely watching wav files, Thomas from Schadenfreude pointed to one of them and said, “Look he's checking his email”.
A few times, Steve nearly fell off the balcony or at least his stool, as his Sydney friends had plowed him full of booze.
When we said our goodbyes, we foolishly let Steve give us directions of how to walk back to the hotel. Needless to say we went the wrong way, but we did find some pizza and a 7-11 (where the shop assistant looked nervous). Realising that someone who is drunk is maybe not a good navigator, we caught a cab back to the hotel. There we tried to finish off all the alcohol, which allegedly caused George to surreptitiously verp her Raspberry cruisers in the shower.
“I didn't drink too much, I just drank it too quickly!”
We had decided to get up at 8.00am, but we forgot to tell Andy, who thought it was 7.00am.
George heard he was up and promptly yelled at Andy, “I hate you!”
Ken freaked out in the shower, as dried red vomit flakes started floating around his feet.
“George, be careful in the shower, there's someone's dried vomit in there!” he warned, not realising she was the culprit.
George educated Andy about Czech twink film stars, courtesy of the interesting Oxford St mag and then while Steve was in the shower, the rest of us played with his new video camera, adding some new scenes!!! After checking out, Andy had some fun at George's expense pretending he had handed in the security card that we needed to get out of the car park.
We had to return the keyboard, so we decided to go over the Harbour Bridge, with Steve video taping whilst we all suffered Ken's 40 minute long high energy '80s Euro disco Mega Mix- Oh Joy!
After Ken decided that he needed a beer breakfast, downing two warm beers in the back of the Kluger, Steve had to drive. He soon became proficient at going cross country, when we kept accidentally getting in to E toll lanes.
We then foolishly decided to go to Manly...smart move guys, when Manly had just won the NRL Grand final the night before and there was also a Jazz festival on. After driving around for ½ an hour looking for a park, we thought there was “a band on every corner”, then realised we were driving around in circles.
We finally found a multi level car park where the “full” sign didn't go on. However, it was a hairy drive up the 11 levels, as the Kluger didn't have much clearance on the ramps. It didn't help that Steve was laughing so much at Andy's quotes from “There's Something About Mary”, he had to stop driving because of the tears in his eyes, but hey we had “full cover”.
“7 minute abs…...NOT 8 minute abs”.
After buying the necessary gifts, we drove to the airport “no problem”, then realised we didn't know where to fill up the Kluger. We panicked a little and ended up at the International Airport, where we asked a security guard for directions, who proved no help, as she also was lost.
We finally found a petrol station, Steve discovering that there are little petrol pump symbols in the street directory after we filled up. We then drove back to the Domestic airport to find we had missed a petrol station there, by one block!!! Sydney airport has too many access roads!
At the check-in, Ken refused to give up the last 2 beers, he sculled one (in the airport lobby WTF?)- even though it was warm and then surrendered the other to the luggage trolley collector, who didn't drink - so he gave it to his supervisor. This time the Qantas check-in staff took pity and didn't charge us for the excess baggage. However, Ken took one look at the apathetic baggage guy, who had the appearance of a homeless guy with a broken foot, and predicted the road case would come back in pieces. The flight was delayed due to the wind changing directions, as a storm front was coming in.
Steve and Andy got excited about the free alcohol on the plane, while Ken shared the traditional Allen's Party Mix lollies and Andy offered out muesli bars - very rock and roll, like Chardonnay. He also took a rather demented looking band photo. We did the rock star thing and got off the plane last, Steve video taping our entrance.
Then much to Ken's horror and as he predicted, the road case came out on the luggage carousel, crushed and broken in 8 places, with gaffa tape being the only thing holding the lids on! We then waited at the baggage counter for another half hour so we could report it. Needless to say, by the end of the next day, Qantas had bought us another road case. It appears that the brave little Ashton road case sacrificed itself to save the music gear inside. It now has a new life with Customs, helping to train the sniffer dogs.
To Ting Tong for the Kluger and the “Full Cover”; the airline staff who ignored our excess baggage; Joseph for giving us the opportunity to play with Covenant; Alex from The Process Void for loaning us the ASR10; Amaya for being so nice to us; Chris from Ikon for the moral support and muscle; Ben and Leah for their continued support; Sam, Rob and Thomas for the laughs; John from Halyucinations Studios for filming our half set; the laptop for not shitting itself until the following gig in Brisbane!!!; Andy yet again for the muesli bars and for the Just Right; Alison for loaning us her husband and Steve for coming along for the ride – it was fun!
F 5000 Booty Juice Tour?
Refers to the estimated 5000 times the “F” word was said during the tour (mostly by Steve) and the mileage Ken and Andy were getting out of the words “Booty Juice” - a reference to the film “Fear of a Black Hat”.